A War Always Worth Fighting

We like to pretend that war is distant, that it isn't close to home. Yet we all fight war that is literally on our door step, a war that we wish was distant or at the very least not so close. A war the wages within the confines of the heart, a war that if lost it will leave you maimed beyond recognition. A war that if won can give you a sunshine on a cloudy day. A war that everyone loses, but not every one wins. I lost this war once, the pain of losing drove me away from everything I knew; everything I was. I ran from the state that was my home and ended up in a state that had nothing for me. Four years I have been in this state I refuse to call my home. Four years I have neglected everyone and everything that belonged to who I was. Still it wasn't far enough, more truthfully I hadn't grown up enough. I hadn't grown up enough to realize running away solves nothing, and magnifies everything. I refused to reflect upon what happened, I refused to stand back up when life kicked me over. I crawled into an abyss and pretended all was good. A fake smile when in the presence of others, and retreated into the black hole of misery when left alone. I wasn't depressed; far from it. I merely refused to move on, I tried to live within the memories of the past instead of the actions of the present. Honesty would have me say that I once thought love was real. For those who know me now this would be an obvious contradiction to what I preach. For the war of hearts has maimed me beyond recognition, where was I was carefree and full of love, now I just am. I don't understand this emotion we let dominate our every day life, I don't understand this attraction we have to feeling special to one person. I once had the one person, and now it is just me in a place I can't even call home. This is where life takes us, this is where all roads eventually end. The saddest part is I would do it all again, I would change nothing about my past. Those few eternities I spent blissful ignorance where some of the best days of my life, and it is those memories that get me through the worst of times. All we can truly count on in life is our past, for our past reminds us that there is hope, while our future reminds us that hope is nothing but a fairy tale. Past gives hope, the future takes it away, than must mean the present is the producer of hope. Soon our present day will be no more than a bitterly sweet memory, and our future which once looked hopeless will be producing the hope we so desperately crave. I can't say if I believe in one person for everyone, i can't say if I believe in love. The past tells me to hope for the best, the future tells me to abandon all hope, and the present tells me there is no day like today. I miss the life I had, I miss the girl I had, I miss the friends I had. I'm glad for the life I have, I'm glad for the friends I have. I hope all I lost will be returned, I despair in the realization that not all fairy tales come true. I live in the moment cause in end that is all I can do.