A War Always Worth Fighting

We like to pretend that war is distant, that it isn't close to home. Yet we all fight war that is literally on our door step, a war that we wish was distant or at the very least not so close. A war the wages within the confines of the heart, a war that if lost it will leave you maimed beyond recognition. A war that if won can give you a sunshine on a cloudy day. A war that everyone loses, but not every one wins. I lost this war once, the pain of losing drove me away from everything I knew; everything I was. I ran from the state that was my home and ended up in a state that had nothing for me. Four years I have been in this state I refuse to call my home. Four years I have neglected everyone and everything that belonged to who I was. Still it wasn't far enough, more truthfully I hadn't grown up enough. I hadn't grown up enough to realize running away solves nothing, and magnifies everything. I refused to reflect upon what happened, I refused to stand back up when life kicked me over. I crawled into an abyss and pretended all was good. A fake smile when in the presence of others, and retreated into the black hole of misery when left alone. I wasn't depressed; far from it. I merely refused to move on, I tried to live within the memories of the past instead of the actions of the present. Honesty would have me say that I once thought love was real. For those who know me now this would be an obvious contradiction to what I preach. For the war of hearts has maimed me beyond recognition, where was I was carefree and full of love, now I just am. I don't understand this emotion we let dominate our every day life, I don't understand this attraction we have to feeling special to one person. I once had the one person, and now it is just me in a place I can't even call home. This is where life takes us, this is where all roads eventually end. The saddest part is I would do it all again, I would change nothing about my past. Those few eternities I spent blissful ignorance where some of the best days of my life, and it is those memories that get me through the worst of times. All we can truly count on in life is our past, for our past reminds us that there is hope, while our future reminds us that hope is nothing but a fairy tale. Past gives hope, the future takes it away, than must mean the present is the producer of hope. Soon our present day will be no more than a bitterly sweet memory, and our future which once looked hopeless will be producing the hope we so desperately crave. I can't say if I believe in one person for everyone, i can't say if I believe in love. The past tells me to hope for the best, the future tells me to abandon all hope, and the present tells me there is no day like today. I miss the life I had, I miss the girl I had, I miss the friends I had. I'm glad for the life I have, I'm glad for the friends I have. I hope all I lost will be returned, I despair in the realization that not all fairy tales come true. I live in the moment cause in end that is all I can do.

Imprisioned By Love

The ultimate confinement is one of your one making, a prison built by the only person who can make it truly inescapable. The walls are made of our reasons for leaving, but the doors are made of our reasons for staying. We are surrounded by misery, the walls are painted with pain and regret. The exit doors are the only light within our own personal hell, as they are painted with the moments that bring us joy. In this way when ever we think about leaving the world we created we force ourselves to see only the joy, only the reasons for staying. We focus so much on those joyous moments we fail to realize the painful eternities sneaking up behind us. You tell yourself that while he does hit you, you love him to much to leave. Love was once used a tool of liberation, it was the key to unlock the prison in which you dwelt. Some where along the way we turned the key into the lock, the liberator into the dictator. Once we believed love could heal the wounds of neglect and hate, now we find the love is the crutch we use to bare the weight of abandonment and the force of hatred. Why do we look at our world or pain and try to fit it into the mask of love? We run into facades at every street corner but no facade does as much damage as the facade of hate disguised as love. A black eye is not a term of endearment, tears are not signs of affection, and a cold shoulder is not a place lay your head. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. A simple saying one we can all agree with, we just never admit that we lost. We are so quick to look at each others messed up lives and give advice on how to get out, but when it comes to our own prisons we throw the key away. Once we believed in happily ever after some where along the way we settled for misery and regret. Once we believed in a prince on white horse, Some where along the way we settled for the horsemen of the apocalypse. Once we believed in freedom, some where along the way we traded freedom for dictatorships. Once we believed in a life, some where along the way we settled for death.